Mom won’t let me back in the house

January 11, 2022

Dear Pastor

I wish I had a more caring and understanding mother. You see, Pastor, my mom is fighting with my dad just because he's giving me her old room that she used to store things in.

I am 27 with an 18-month-old baby girl. I live with my babyfather who was so respectful, kind and didn't have anything to do with smoking. All of a sudden, he became arrogant after losing his job. He started to beat me whenever we had an argument. He would even throw my things outside, telling me to leave.

My parents' place is close by but I can't just go there like that because I wouldn't have anywhere to sleep. So I stayed but now I'm upset. He smokes in the house knowing our daughter is there and he turns up the music high, even though he knows that she is sleeping.

He is now working but nothing has changed. I just need to move back in my parents' place and get a job and be myself. But my mom, whenever I go there and I have a bag, she curses me and slams the door. No matter how I try to talk to her, she insists that I stay and work things out with my babyfather, which I don't want to do. I would be an idiot to continue the relationship with him. How can a mother know that her daughter is being ill treated and insist that she stay with the man just because she doesn't want me back there?


Dear Y.M.,

People give their side of the story when they write to me and I have to always try my best to read between the lines and figure out what really is going on.

You are only telling a little part of the story. You haven't said that when you got involved with this man and you were leaving to go and live with him, your mother told you that you were making a mistake. But, you believed in the man and you loved him so much that you ignored everything she said. Now that you have discovered that you made a mistake, you want to return home.

This man is not as good and loving as you thought. He is a very cruel man. You can get around Daddy because you probably are a daddy's girl. But Mom made an adjustment to the house after you walked out. She has different things in the room you used to occupy. Dad says you may return home, but Mom would have to give up that room. And your mom is not willing to do so. She believes that you have made your bed and you should lay in it. She is being tough on you. She knows that to have you back in the house, she might be creating trouble. You would be disturbing her peace and you would probably want to leave your child in her care occasionally. She is not ready to take care of a grandchild. She also knows that your child's father would want to come to the house to visit you and his child. She is not preparing herself for that at all.

You speak as if your mother hates you but you are not giving the true picture. She has told you to go back and work the problems out with your man. This man is a ganja smoker now. But your mother is afraid that, if she lets you in, it would not be long before this man would be sleeping with you in her house and smoking his ganja too.

I therefore suggest that you ask your dad and your mother to meet with you and all three of you discuss this matter and arrive at an amicable conclusion. You would have to give assurances that this man will not come and sleep with you at your parents' home. Both of you should also go to see a family counsellor. This man should support his child and no financial burden would be added to your parents. So, stop blaming your mother for the stand that she has taken. Don't accuse her of hating you. She is a woman of principle and this is tough love.


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